mitski’s pearl

It's just that
I fell in love with a war.

Nobody told me it ended.

And it left a pearl in my head.
And I roll it around
every night—
just to watch it glow.

while my baby twirls me
in the hush of her tide

you ricochet
off the walls of my skull

 like a pinball machine—

shame spinning wild
ringing loud inside,
while my baby sways
to the silence
that only
she
can hear

if pressure makes diamonds
you are carved of a sister stone

pearlescent pain
fossilized inside
the dome of my solitude

smoothed and sanded down
by the current of neurons
that flash
in memory
of a forgotten war

my baby loves my brain
and the fun facts it spits

though it suffocates
like a claustrophobic clam
suffering a small obstruction
lodged in the back of its throat
clutching its breath

so it won’t choke

there is no help
no heimlich

no hand
deep enough
to reach
what lives
in me

so i listen
to my baby laugh

admire how it harmonizes
with the ringing
in my brain
as it bleeds

 oozing quiet
from my ears

 my pure white,
opalescent angel
planted gently
inside my skull

 glows there still
watches over us
as i endure
it without hope

Every night, baby,
That's where I go.